I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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