forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
