How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
They took my balls.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
