No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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