I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Randomize
