If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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