Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
