I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize