so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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