Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
