I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
