my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
