yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
