I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize