Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
