so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
