So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
