Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Actions speak louder than pants.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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