she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
