im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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