My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The feeling are messing with the penis
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
