My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The power of my boobs compel you
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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