I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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