She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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