i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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