So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
