Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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