I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
