I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
