I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
