im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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