so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
