my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
