When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
