shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize