He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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