Kiss
Puke
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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