Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
