Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
People in love make me want to vomit
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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