Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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