awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
