All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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