I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
