Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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