4 words: hood of his car
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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