today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
