I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
