then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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