THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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