Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
