I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
