I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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