I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
