Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
