I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize