tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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