she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
