Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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