I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
His nipple licking is glorious
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