I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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