shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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